Jul. 16th, 2007

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I have been doing a great deal of thinking, which means I am uncertain where I should start.

Little things first, perhaps. I have become better friends with Mike, although his shay'kreth'ashke, Allen, I am not so sure of. But even had I never seen my parents and their love, I would know that these two? They are lifebonded. I did not know they had such a thing here. Though that makes me feel foolish--why would such a thing not be universal? The gods are not that cruel.

Morgan's parents went to visit his sister this week.  I knew she was pregnant, but his mother also announced last weekend that she was expecting, as well. I will be surrounded by littles, even more so than I was this weekend with the children of Mike's brother Raph.  I do still feel bad that David was so uncomfortable around me, though Mike reassured me that it was simply his age.  And that I am pretty. I do not know.

Mike has also taken a great many baby pictures of Aten for Morgan, at my behest.   I do have to admit that it was one of my better inspirations, having Morgan and Aten sit for photos. I do not think he had many, if any, of her before then. Oh, now that his parents are back, they have pictures and all, but...I do not know, photos are such magickal things to me anyway! We always had to sit for portraits at home, and they never seemed to turn out quite so perfect...

But, I have been thinking. Perhaps this is bringing healing, and perhaps not, I do not even know. I may be an Adept, and a Healing-Adept, but even we do not always know our own minds. This past winter if nothing else has shown me that. I have turned more to introspection, thus, and made a few discoveries.

My brother--an attack of his like could never, never happen to me again.  The sad thing, perhaps, is had I been more wary to begin with, and less trusting, it would never have happened in the first place. This, however, is a flaw I still carry with me to this day--I wish to trust first, and only after I have been hurt, do I learn my lesson.  There are times that I wish that this were not the case. If it were not, I would not be myself. It is something I must accept.

 I will never stop missing my parents. I admit I am a tiny bit jealous of Morgan being able to bring his back, but they are such a family and so loving, it does not last. They have accepted me as well, and that amazes me somewhat. I should not question this too much. I have kin-clansmen who would chastise me for looking a gift horse in the mouth, after all.

I am even a bit jealous of Mike and Allen, also, I would admit. There is some point where every child dreams of finding that one person who is the other half of one's soul, even if such a thing is entirely unlikely for certain people. And yes, I admit here that I speak of myself. I do not mourn it, truly, I just...have a difficult time believing that anyone is capable of that.  Morgan says I have low self-esteem. I was not always this way. I am working to get better.

It is all I can do. I must keep fighting.

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stormraven

August 2007

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